“NOTHING” TRICK

The “nothing” trick is a perfect ending for all your hard work. If you’ve gotten this far (without skipping around), you’re one heck of a dog trainer. So here’s some frosting for your cake!

This trick looks swell on a soulful-looking dog. It’s also great on slow-moving dogs like Saints, Newfs, Great Pyreneeses, and Mastiffs. Play up your dog’s looks to make the trick better. If your dog is slow, ask him to do things that take great energy and agility. If he’s a Chihuahua, tell him KILL! Never fear—he won’t. Read on.

Command your trick dog BOZO, FETCH, tossing your wallet. Bozo looks at you and does nothing, BOZO, you say falteringly, SIT UP AND BEG. Bozo rolls over and plays dead. BOZO, HOW OLD IS MY MOTHER-IN-LOW? Perhaps Bozo yawns. Get out the hoop. Tell your audience, “You’ve got to see this one. This is his best trick. He did this one on the Johnny Carson Show. BOZO, JUMP THROUGH THE HOOP.” Bozo stays in the dead dog position.

How, you ask, is this master trick achieved? How many months will I have to work with my dog to wow my friends with this one? Simple? Yes and no. Fist of all, all the commands are wrong. (Did we fool you, too?) Your dog has learned to retrieve on the words TAKE IT, sit up and beg on the command SIT HIGH, jump a hoop on the command OVER.

(Can you take it from here?) Second, your dog’s name is Fred, not Bozo, Third, you are giving him not only incorrect verbal commands, but contrary hand signals. Either place Fred on a Sit Stay, or hand signal him to play dead, and then it’s all in the patter. The trick can be as funny as you can be. BOZO, you can plead, BRING US SOME BEER. BOZO, DISAPPEAR!

This is your act. Fred is the window dressing that will make your wit explode into greatness. Have fun—the sky’s the limit on this one.

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