REPORT

This is a trick that is all at once practical, silly, and deeply romantic.

It’s purpose is to enable both men and women to meet one another in a quick and respectable fashion. In truth, it works best for very beautiful women and extremely handsome men, but it can also work for people like us. The best ingredient is a puppy, but any cute dog will do.

You’ll need some coconspirators to help you teach this trick to Cupid. Your friend should have some dog treats in his hand. Take your puppy about five feet away from your friend and face him toward your friend. Give him a start in the right direction and say REPORT.

If necessary, your friend can even call Cupid, but this crutch should be eliminated early in the training. When Cupid reaches your friend, your friend should reward Cupid with treats, pet him, praise him, and fuss over him. Gradually increase the distance until you are twenty-five feet or more away from your friend. Facing the dog in the right direction is extremely important, as you don’t want to point and be obvious when you see a potential heartthrob walking down the street. Are you getting the picture? Fine.

Continue to practice. Cupid reports to different friends and each time gets praised for doing so. Remember that young puppies will learn this trick rather quickly, but if the distance is great, they may begin on their journey and then forget where they are going.
Even though puppies are especially appealing, you are probably better off with a cute older dog — especially if you want to use this trick for a steady stream of dates. Some cut puppies grow up rapidly into formidable-looking adults.

Now the choice is yours. Stroll down the avenue with Cupid and keep your eye out for Robert Redford or Farrah. Tell Cupid to REPORT, and as he wiggles up to the person of your choice, go quickly to retrieve him. “I’m terribly sorry! Thanks a million for catching my dog. I don’t know what I’d do without him — I’m all alone in this strange town and he’s such great company …” Sorry. More than this we cannot do for you. You’ll have to work out your own follow-up line. And Good Luck!

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